


Playing pretend

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Emotional Hurt, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Ending, another fic thats literally just angsty callum, its kinda a coda from last night, see notes for more tw, so like it fits, very light tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26645821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: Callum is so, so tired of playing this game, going round and round in this vicious cycle of fear and gut-wrenching guilt, and he's only just started.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	Playing pretend

**Author's Note:**

> tw for sort of graphic panic attack, very very minor reference to self harm (callum tugs on his hair a little bit, idk whether that needs a tw but i thought id put it in there just in case).

Callum’s just stood there, and in his head, he’s screaming for Phil to just fucking _say something,_ even if Phil’s snarky voice is the very last thing he wants to hear right now, but the silence is killing him. It’s suffocating, and he’s just waiting like a criminal on death row because exactly how the rest of his life pans out depends on whether Phil believes him. Something in his own mind is screaming that he’s being ridiculous, that _of course, Phil is never going to believe him._ He thinks that maybe, if he’s lucky, what he’s told him is just convincing enough that Phil will lay off him. That’s all he wants, really, at least some place where it doesn’t feel like he’s constantly on edge, constantly trying to keep up this façade. 

  
It’s bad enough that Ben’s bed is one of those places he has to pretend, and _fuck, he’s just so tired._

  
It’s an agonising wait where every tick of the clock in the kitchen that he never realised was _so fucking loud_ is like an hour. Just how much his life has changed hits him in those seconds, because never in his life did he ever think he’d be waiting on approval from _Phil Mitchell,_ of all people. But that’s where he is, and that’s what he has to do.   
For Ben. Everything, all of this, tearing himself up and pretending he’s okay- it’s for Ben, and he’ll do it over and over again until he knows the man he loves is safe.   
Time ticks on, until the point where his breath is catching in his throat. It’s a vicious cycle- the minute he realises he’s panicking, he panics, because the last thing he’s going to do is have a panic attack in front of Phil Mitchell. The man in front of him clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing to him, because he’s still just _sat there,_ with this confidence and Callum hates so much it burns. 

  
Phil just nods, and relief mixed with something else, something that feels too much like guilt shoots through him. He’s got him, at least for now, and that’s good enough.   
_It’ll never last,_ a voice in his head keeps telling him, and all he wants is to stop thinking. 

  
There’s a slam of a door behind him, and the suffocating tension in the air is broken. Callum turns around to catch sight of the door, because he doesn’t think he can look at Phil’s face any longer without screaming, and he gets the feeling that he’s not the first person to feel like that, and he certainly won’t be the last.   
He’s waiting, staring at the door and he feels stuck, because Ben is both the last and the only person he wants to walk through the door. Only, because he’s just praying for some sort of distraction, someone to hold him and tell him that everything’s going to be okay, pull him away from this cliff edge he’s hurling towards because he doesn’t know how in hell he’s going to stop it himself. 

  
But, at the same time, last, because he knows he can’t have any of that. Ben’s within arm’s reach, yet he’s so far away, and it makes something horrible burn in the base of his stomach. 

  
Ben can never know. He’ll never have to, as long as all of this works out. 

  
He shoves shaking hands into his pockets and plasters on a smile. Playing pretend. 

  
Ben says something to the two of them about food, but the only thing coursing through Callum’s mind right now is that he has to get out of the room before he drives himself insane with wanting what he knows he can’t have. Maybe it’s funny, in a sick sort of way- he’d spent most of his life wanting what he thought he couldn’t have, and now he’s finally got it he’s losing it again, or he will if he can’t keep it together. 

  
Callum doesn’t think it’s all that funny. 

  
He just nods and smiles to whatever Ben says, because more than anything it’s good to see the other man smiling again, even if he himself is falling apart. It doesn’t matter, he reminds himself. _As long as Ben is safe._

  
As soon as Ben’s gone, and he hears Phil shifting behind him he’s out of the room, out into the hall, because there’s no way he can sit through some family dinner like this, when the fact that he’s betraying them all is occupying his every waking moment. It seethes through his veins like acid, beating through his chest and into his lungs, burning him from the inside out. It’s choking him, pouring into his throat and suffocating him and all Callum can think is that he needs to move, needs to get to somewhere where no one’s going to see him fall. 

  
He doesn’t even register it when his feet are moving up the stairs until he’s walking to his and Ben’s room on instinct. He’s careful to push the door closed behind him, because the last thing anyone needs is Callum burdening them with this. Once the door’s closed, it’s suddenly like there’s no air in the room at all. He’s tempted to run over and open the window, but he knows logically that’s not the reason he feels like he’s suffocating. It’s the guilt, and the shame, and the pressure of lying to fucking everyone that’s squeezing his chest tight, clogging up his lungs like tar and making him feel dizzy.   
He’s on the floor before he realises, and his vision’s blurry, distorting the world in front of him, making it look like a dream and, fuck, wouldn’t that be nice? That’s all Callum wants right now, to wake up and not be wracked by guilt, to spend just one day where it doesn’t feel like he’s tearing himself apart inch by inch.   
He knows, really, they’re tears, obscuring his vision. He’s fucking _crying,_ against Ben’s door, and he’s trying, he’s _fucking trying_ but he can’t catch his breath, and it’s coming faster and faster and he’s a car out of control, his mind’s going too fast for his body and it _hurts_ , almost as bad as lying to his boyfriend’s face.   
He has to stop this, before he passes out, because he couldn’t handle the look of guilt on Ben’s face if he ever found out, if he ever knew how much Callum just needs to feel like he’s not alone for once.   
So he buries his hands in his own hair and tugs, head between his knees, and forces his mind onto something else, anything else.   
Except he can’t, he can’t do it, because everything in his life goes back to Ben, goes back to the man he loves, the man he’s betraying, the man who thinks the world of him.   
The man who doesn’t think Callum is a liar, is lying to his face, to Phil’s face, every day.   
There are so many things Callum thought he could be, when he was younger. He’s not sure any more if a liar was one of them. Maybe it was, but certainly not like this. 

-

“Where’ve you been?” Ben grins though a mouthful of rice when Callum walks back into the room.   
“Just had to get changed,” Callum says, a gentle smile to Ben and he believes it, and it’s another lie to add to the list. He sits down anyway, and tries his best not to acknowledge that Phil’s staring at him from the other side of the table. Ben puts a hand on his thigh under the table and smiles at him, this same smile Callum’s seen so many times these past few days, apology and thankfulness all in one. 

  
He remembers seeing it on Ben’s face when he’d thanked Ben for being _honest_. 

  
Shoe’s on the other fucking foot now. 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this fic is really on brand for me lol  
> anyways i did a rewatch of last night's and i think it definitely looks like callum had a panic attack when he went upstairs after speaking to phil, so, as per standard for me, i wrote it. I feel like enjoy is the wrong word, but i hope u liked this fic heh also if you wanna hear me rant about ballum in more detail come find me over on tumblr @artsy-highway :) comments and kudos mean the world to me x  
> leo <3


End file.
